I remember the day I lost you so well. Actually, I remember The After- those dark, dark days and nights after you left this world- they felt like a hole had opened up and swallowed me. You might as well have cut my heart out. I remember thinking, how am I going to live the rest of my life without you? Forty, fifty years? Fifty. Years. Without. You. I literally couldn't breathe thinking about it. Now here we are at ten. I've made it ten years without you. And I have thought about you every single day since you've been gone.
This post is part of an editorial section called Beyond Momma, where I share personal thoughts and stories. You can check out more of Beyond Momma here.
I have lost close family members and friends from tragic accidents and horrible illnesses. I loved them all so much and I mourn them and miss them with all of my heart. There's no denying that. But this love for you, my little brown and white dog, it was my very being. And no, I can't explain it or apologize for it. I don't know why my love for you is so different than my love for the special humans in my life. I loved them no more or less than you- my love is boundless. But you, my dear, sweet boy, were my little soulmate. I know, know, know that there are dog owners reading this who totally get it. Not only do we lose you, our beloved furry friends, but we also bear this guilt of losing you. So many feelings come with the loss of a dog. There's no point trying to explain.
I promised myself that when I reached this terrible milestone- this ten years without you- I would write something special about you. I would write something meaningful, something poetic, something...not sad. Because everything I write about you is laced in some kind of grief, and that seems so unfair to you. You were larger than life! I used to write such fun, silly, happy things about you when you were here. I had an entire diary online, devoted to our adventures. We made new friends this way- people read your diaries on Dogster and they laughed along with us. We had such an amazing time. I am so grateful for you, my sweet, sweet boy.
So here is what I can say to honor who you truly were. I am so blessed to have shared this life with you. When I first saw you, standing in that dog crate with your ears pinned back over twenty years ago, I tapped on the window and said aloud, 'I am coming back for you.' And I did, I came back for you the very next day! And I carried you home in my arms and placed you into this life with me that you welcomed with such joy. So many steps we took together, so many adventures.
And in the end, I am so very blessed to have kissed your sweet head as you left this earth, and told you what to do when you get to that next place: 'Wait for me, and I will find you.' You started and ended our journey together hearing the same promise. I will always come back for you, I will always come find you. No matter what stage of our existence we are in, I will always find my way back to you, my little love. Thank you for everything. Across all time and space, I send my love to you, my sweet boy. My Milo. Ten years without you. xoxo
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